What If The Box Was The Problem?
There comes a point in a woman's life when she gets tired.
Not tired because she's getting older.
Tired of pretending.
Tired of performing.
Tired of squeezing herself into spaces, roles and expectations that never quite fitted in the first place.
For me, that question has been arriving more and more lately.
Who exactly am I supposed to be?
And perhaps more importantly...
Who decided?
Because if I look back over my life, I can see how much energy I have spent trying to fit in.
At school.
In friendships.
In business.
In motherhood.
In spirituality.
Even in women's spaces.
I have often felt like I was standing just outside the circle, looking in.
Not quite this.
Not quite that.
Too much for some people.
Not enough for others.
Never quite finding the place where I fitted perfectly.
And yet, perhaps that was never the point.
The Great Performance
From the moment we are born, we are handed a script.
A thousand subtle messages about what it means to be a woman.
Be kind.
Be pretty.
Be successful.
Be desirable.
Be selfless.
Be strong.
Be nurturing.
Be independent.
Be youthful.
Be grateful.
The list is endless.
And somehow we are expected to achieve all of them simultaneously.
The modern woman is expected to be everything to everyone.
To age naturally but never look old.
To prioritise herself but never appear selfish.
To build a career while remaining endlessly available to everyone who needs her.
To speak her truth but never make anyone uncomfortable.
It is exhausting.
And because these expectations are everywhere, we rarely stop to question them.
We simply assume the problem must be us.
If we feel uncomfortable.
If we feel lost.
If we feel like we don't belong.
If we feel like we're failing.
We assume we need fixing.
But what if we don't?
What if the box is simply too small?
Menopause and the Great Unravelling
I often wonder whether menopause gets such a bad reputation because it asks us to stop pretending.
There is something about this season of life that strips things away.
The masks become harder to wear.
The people pleasing becomes more uncomfortable.
The compromises become more visible.
The life we've built begins asking questions of us.
Questions we can no longer ignore.
Am I happy?
What do I actually want?
Who am I doing this for?
What if I don't want to carry this anymore?
What if I choose differently?
Many women describe menopause as feeling lost.
But what if that feeling is not because we are losing ourselves?
What if it is because we are losing the version of ourselves we created to survive?
There is a difference.
One is a crisis.
The other is a liberation.
What Is A 50-Year-Old Woman Supposed To Look Like?
I've laughed recently at the number of people who have looked surprised when I tell them my age.
"No way are you 50."
And every time someone says it, a part of me wants to ask:
What exactly did you expect?
Because underneath that comment sits a whole collection of assumptions.
Ideas about what women should look like.
How they should behave.
What they should wear.
How visible they should be.
How relevant they should remain.
And honestly?
The women I know in their fifties, sixties and seventies are some of the most alive women I have ever met.
Not because they are trying to look younger.
But because they have stopped apologising for taking up space.
There is something deeply attractive about a woman who knows who she is.
Maybe We Were Never Meant To Fit In
Perhaps this is the real invitation of midlife.
Not to become somebody else.
But to stop abandoning ourselves.
To stop chasing approval.
To stop measuring ourselves against impossible standards.
To stop moulding ourselves into shapes that make other people comfortable.
And instead to ask:
What feels true for me?
What do I want?
Who am I when nobody else is watching?
Because belonging was never supposed to require self-abandonment.
Real belonging begins when we stop leaving ourselves behind.
Maybe that's why so many women feel uncomfortable right now.
The old boxes are breaking.
The old stories are falling apart.
The old expectations no longer fit.
And whilst that can feel frightening...
It can also be incredibly freeing.
Because if the box never fitted you in the first place...
You don't need to spend another decade trying to squeeze yourself into it.
You can simply step out.
And become more of yourself instead.
If this resonates with you, listen to this week's Around the Kitchen Table podcast where we explore fitting in, belonging, menopause, ageing and the freedom that comes from finally being yourself.
